CONSPIRACY
This is happening right here in our own country
We must stop this immediately!
Have you noticed stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are getting heavier. Everything is further away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become.
People are less considerate, especially young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I saw an old friend recently who has aged so much she didn't even recognise me.
I was thinking about her while I was combing my hair this morning when I glanced at my own reflection. REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull on to the highway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised now. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? People who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK! Unless something drastic happens, soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the book store under fiction.
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
A QUESTION OF AGE
Does this sound familiar
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the book store under fiction.
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.
Q: How can you avoid getting wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
LIVING IN THE 21st CENTURY
Ten things to make you realise you're in the 21st century
- You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with family and friends is that they don't have email addresses.
- Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
- You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile :-)
- You pull up in your driveway and use your mobile to see if anyone is at home to help you carry in the shopping.
- Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have for the first 20 or 30 (or 40) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to get it.
HOW GOOD IS YOUR READING?
Believe it or not, you CAN read this
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rsceearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh?
SENIOR TEXTING CODES (STC)
Mobile phone etiquette for the older generation
I thought the following list was appropriate. After all, the kids have all their little codes, like BFF, OMG, WTF, etc., so here are some codes for seniors.
- ATD: At The Doctor's
- BFF: Best Friend's Funeral
- BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
- BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
- CBM: Covered By Medicare
- CUATSC: See You At The Senior Centre
- DWI: Driving While Incontinent
- FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
- FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
- FYI: For Your Insulin
- GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
- GHA: Got Heartburn Again
- HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
- IMHO: Is My Hearing-aid On?
- LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
- LOL: Living On Lipitor
- LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
- OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
- OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas
- ROFL...CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
- TTYL: Talk To You Louder
- WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
- WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
- WTP: Where'r The Prunes?
- WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!
And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy ....you just hoped nobody found out.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said: " Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a lifespan of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give you back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years."
But the man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS
Hard to believe, but true
- Memory was something that you lost with age
- An application was for employment
- A program was a TV show
- A cursor used profanity
- A keyboard was a piano
- A virus was the flu
- A CD was a bank account
- A hard drive was a long trip on the road
- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy ....you just hoped nobody found out.
LIFE EXPLAINED
Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year lifespan."
The monkey said: " Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a lifespan of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give you back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years."
But the man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
MURPHY'S LAW
There's no two ways about it - It's going to happen
- Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you'll have to pee.
- Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
- Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
- Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
- Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
- Law of Variation: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
- Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
- Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
- Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
- Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
- Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
- Law of Starbucks: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
- Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
- Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
- Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
- Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
- Law of Commercial Marketing: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
- Law of the Doctors: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.
HOW NELSON MIGHT HAVE FARED IF HE'D BEEN SUBJECT
TO MODERN 'HEALTH AND SAFETY' REGULATIONS
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed
British flagship, HMS Appeasement
Order the signal Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there is a 4mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Damn it, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that the rope ladder doesn't meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt, haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny!
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me, Health and Safety! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
Ah, I believe it's to be encouraged, sir.
In that case - kiss me, Hardy.
